I am not abroad. I am dressed in black from head to toe, hair in a ponytail, smoking a cigarette in a vain attempt to be cool with Brandon and Carrie on the back stoop at Gondolier. In a moment Aleka will come out and shout at us in her broken, heavily-accented Greeklish. We will stub out the cigarettes and go back inside to our tables, which may or may not tip us well. There is ash on my apron now. I leave to work at Chili's.
I'm in Brunswick, living with Jiri. Kitty Kitty is with me, the only familiar face for two hundred miles. I have a car. I work at a newspaper but don't make much. I meet Shane. I drink too much. Jiri's girlfriend does not like me and I don't like her either. I leave.
My apartment with Shane in Jacksonville is unnecessarily big, but he wants space. He tells me not to tell anyone we are dating. He works at a farm and I sit in the Sonic parking lot all day reading cheap paperbacks and waiting for his call. I work for a month at Applebee's, then leave him. I leave him for Georgia.
Fort Myers. I work as Director of Marketing at an Italian restaurant, where I flirt with the married bartender and make cold calls to potential catering clients. The GM hits on me, and I foolishly, albeit intentionally, wear too-short dresses to work. I almost cheat on Shane. The "almost" guy totals my car. I break my foot. I leave Fort Myers.
I think that living in Key West is living the dream. I struggle with Shane. I need to be thinner. He needs me to be quieter, prettier, better in general. I try to find a job. He prevents it. We argue all the time. I move out. We say it's a trial separation, but I glimpse freedom and know in my gut we're done. I leave him again.
Patti insists that I join MySpace. I meet Matt. That ends speedily. I work at FloridaKeys.com and relish the office-girl lifestyle despite not quite having the money to finance it. I grow restless. I remember Prague. I meet Alfredo. I fall in love. I listen to the same Bright Eyes song until I know every chord by heart. I leave him. I leave Key West.
I'm standing in Nove Mesto looking out over the Charles Bridge in Prague. It is snowing, but I don't notice that much. I'm wearing the wrong boots, but I didn't know any better. I meet Jaemi. I live with Monica, Keenan and Iona. We drink too much. I learn to hate teaching. I never pay for the tram. In February, I leave the winter wonderland. I leave Prague.
Key West is unchanged. I am not sure why I have come back. I live with Jess. We don't hang out much. I listen to Bon Iver on a loop and think endlessly of Alfredo. I leave his hat on the doorknob. He agrees to meet me. I fall in love again. I forget why I left him. I join Twitter. His job sends him to Atlanta. He leaves me. He leaves Key West.
Kyiv is lovely in the autumn. Jaemi meets me at the airport. Stephen is wonderful. David ties my heart in knots. I have one chance. I ruin it. Teaching doesn't suit me, but the nights after work sure do. I love Cathy. Janet is great. Brian makes me laugh. Jaemi is my rock. I meet Vadym, then Anya and Daryna. Jaemi introduces me to Anton, then Yashar. I go to Poland. I go back to Kyiv. I go to Hungary. I go back to Kyiv. I don't like working for AEC. So I leave. I leave Kyiv.
Alanya is a party town. Ishak is arrogant but entertaining. Antalya is better. I meet Soner. I go to Istanbul. I meet M. I stay in his apartment with he and Ferhat and Erol. Their sleeping arrangements are weird. Breakfast is always lots of bread and eggs with sugar. I learn to drink Turkish tea. I get the job in Lima. And leave. I leave Istanbul.
Lima is big and dirty. Courtney and I share a taxi to our new apartment. Ali is nice. Jonathan and Pat are weird. I like Courtney. Work is boring. I meet Sam. We drink Pisco Sours and laugh a lot. The second job is worse. I quit it. Buenos Aires is hot in January. I go to Plaza de Mayo and am not impressed. I go back to Lima and everything is worse. Sam asks me to stay. I do. Briefly. But eventually I leave. I leave Lima.
I am sitting in bed. My laptop is getting hot. Cartersville is a normal American city. I meet Alfredo for the third time. I fall in love for the third time within an hour. The last four years swirl in my brain. I buy a ticket. It will be nice to see Janet. It will be nice to see Jaemi. It will be nice to be in Europe. I think of what I am leaving. I see what leaving takes. I notice who gets left behind. I realize what I'll miss.
And don't know what to do.
I'm in Brunswick, living with Jiri. Kitty Kitty is with me, the only familiar face for two hundred miles. I have a car. I work at a newspaper but don't make much. I meet Shane. I drink too much. Jiri's girlfriend does not like me and I don't like her either. I leave.
My apartment with Shane in Jacksonville is unnecessarily big, but he wants space. He tells me not to tell anyone we are dating. He works at a farm and I sit in the Sonic parking lot all day reading cheap paperbacks and waiting for his call. I work for a month at Applebee's, then leave him. I leave him for Georgia.
Fort Myers. I work as Director of Marketing at an Italian restaurant, where I flirt with the married bartender and make cold calls to potential catering clients. The GM hits on me, and I foolishly, albeit intentionally, wear too-short dresses to work. I almost cheat on Shane. The "almost" guy totals my car. I break my foot. I leave Fort Myers.
I think that living in Key West is living the dream. I struggle with Shane. I need to be thinner. He needs me to be quieter, prettier, better in general. I try to find a job. He prevents it. We argue all the time. I move out. We say it's a trial separation, but I glimpse freedom and know in my gut we're done. I leave him again.
Patti insists that I join MySpace. I meet Matt. That ends speedily. I work at FloridaKeys.com and relish the office-girl lifestyle despite not quite having the money to finance it. I grow restless. I remember Prague. I meet Alfredo. I fall in love. I listen to the same Bright Eyes song until I know every chord by heart. I leave him. I leave Key West.
I'm standing in Nove Mesto looking out over the Charles Bridge in Prague. It is snowing, but I don't notice that much. I'm wearing the wrong boots, but I didn't know any better. I meet Jaemi. I live with Monica, Keenan and Iona. We drink too much. I learn to hate teaching. I never pay for the tram. In February, I leave the winter wonderland. I leave Prague.
Key West is unchanged. I am not sure why I have come back. I live with Jess. We don't hang out much. I listen to Bon Iver on a loop and think endlessly of Alfredo. I leave his hat on the doorknob. He agrees to meet me. I fall in love again. I forget why I left him. I join Twitter. His job sends him to Atlanta. He leaves me. He leaves Key West.
Kyiv is lovely in the autumn. Jaemi meets me at the airport. Stephen is wonderful. David ties my heart in knots. I have one chance. I ruin it. Teaching doesn't suit me, but the nights after work sure do. I love Cathy. Janet is great. Brian makes me laugh. Jaemi is my rock. I meet Vadym, then Anya and Daryna. Jaemi introduces me to Anton, then Yashar. I go to Poland. I go back to Kyiv. I go to Hungary. I go back to Kyiv. I don't like working for AEC. So I leave. I leave Kyiv.
Alanya is a party town. Ishak is arrogant but entertaining. Antalya is better. I meet Soner. I go to Istanbul. I meet M. I stay in his apartment with he and Ferhat and Erol. Their sleeping arrangements are weird. Breakfast is always lots of bread and eggs with sugar. I learn to drink Turkish tea. I get the job in Lima. And leave. I leave Istanbul.
Lima is big and dirty. Courtney and I share a taxi to our new apartment. Ali is nice. Jonathan and Pat are weird. I like Courtney. Work is boring. I meet Sam. We drink Pisco Sours and laugh a lot. The second job is worse. I quit it. Buenos Aires is hot in January. I go to Plaza de Mayo and am not impressed. I go back to Lima and everything is worse. Sam asks me to stay. I do. Briefly. But eventually I leave. I leave Lima.
I am sitting in bed. My laptop is getting hot. Cartersville is a normal American city. I meet Alfredo for the third time. I fall in love for the third time within an hour. The last four years swirl in my brain. I buy a ticket. It will be nice to see Janet. It will be nice to see Jaemi. It will be nice to be in Europe. I think of what I am leaving. I see what leaving takes. I notice who gets left behind. I realize what I'll miss.
And don't know what to do.
