If you don't follow these instructions while traveling, I hate you.
1. Don't bring so much shit. I would like to know the amount of time, which is doubtless measurable in months, that I have spent sitting on an airplane preflight, watching 100 passengers trying to cram 200 suitcases into the overhead bins. This used to evoke in me self-righteous rage. These days it's more incredulity and contempt. Seriously: why do you need to bring so much shit? Are you moving? Do you think there's no way to buy new clothes or launder those which you currently own? Americans in particular are notorious for overpacking. I think it's because in the States, you can pretty much not ever repeat an outfit without being labeled a freak. Food for thought, children of Uncle Sam: if you do this in Europe, your Caucasian-ness will no longer help you blend in.
2. Don't bring huge, unwieldy shit. For the love of God, don't be that guy. You know, the one with the Connecticut-sized suitcase that he didn't check because, duh, what are overhead bins for? And isn't he gonna be the only one on the plane, anyway?
3. Don't dress like you're going clubbing. Admittedly, it's mostly women who are guilty of this. If I had a dollar for every time the security line has come to a halt because Shaniqua is struggling to undo the world's tiniest shoe buckle with her three-inch acrylic nails, I could afford approximately 17 first-class tickets to Asia. Ladies and gentlemen, the airport is not the place to make a fashion statement. Wear flip-flops or plain old sneakers, eschew all jewelry and belts and do not wear anything you can't bend over or sit down in. Please.
4. Pay attention. I cannot stress this enough. If the airline personnel are speaking, listen. Oh, I know, you've been flying for thirty years and all the emergency instructions are rubbish because if the plane crashes you're going to die no matter what. But the beginning of the flight is just that. There's still the "during" part, where flight attendants have to give the same directions (complicated stuff like "Sit down and fasten your seatbelt") 28 times because you're listening to your iPod at full volume, and the end of the flight, where "Return your seat to its upright position" must be repeated so many times it seems like a ritualistic chant to the few who actually are listening. These repetitions are followed by a walkthrough in which the flight attendants signal non-listeners to adjust their seat. "What? Oh."
(Note: I also hate you if you ignore the dozen times a flight attendant walks down the aisle with an open trash bag and then leave your trash on board. If you do this - male or female - you are a dick.)
5. Follow directions. I don't know why this is so challenging, but it is. Example: You are in the waiting area when the airline personnel announce they're going to begin boarding zones one through three. This is a big-ass Airbus for a transcontinental flight, so you figure perhaps a third of the passengers will rise. Oh no. Everyone grabs their (huge, unwieldy) shit and makes a run for the check-in desk. I suspect that, despite their generally-unhelpful attitudes, airline personnel are some of the most patient people alive.
6. Leave babies at home. Or put them in checked bags. Whatever, it's up to you.
7. Be considerate. I'm really sorry you have to fly coach. I mean, I'm back here too, so I get it: no legroom, long lines at the lavatory, about as much chance of sleeping as Lindsay Lohan not doing coke anymore. But really, fellow travelers, it's just a few hours' mild discomfort. So before you slam your seat back into my knees or camp out on the toilet for a half hour, think of others. We're all suffering together. Let's just take advantage of the alcohol on board and get through it.
8. Get the #$%& out of the way. I mean it. People have connecting flights, need to make meetings or just want to get away from the airport cacophony. I don't care if you're pushing a stroller, dragging a dozen suitcases and juggling a litter of puppies. If you can't walk briskly, walk to the far right and let others pass.
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